Maybe?

"And so lying underneath those stormy skies.

She'd say - oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I know the sun must set to rise. This could be para-para-paradise."

I'm brought back to reality by a loud knocking on my door.

"Wait a sec." I say, putting aside my headphones and walk towards the door.

"Kate! Can I talk to you?" My best friend said ; his ragged breathing loud enough for me to notice his urgency.

"Yeah sure. Come in." I say and gesture him to sit on the couch.

He sits on the couch and I sit beside him. I stay silent and wait for him to begin. He sighs and looks straight into my eyes. He looks worried. His eyes are red and swollen. I can tell he's in pain. 

Oh god...

He opens his mouth to speak , but closes it again and sighs. Just as I'm about to ask him what happened, tears roll down his cheeks.

I have never seen him cry before. He is one those guys who rarely breakdown in front of people.  Though he is candid about his feelings in front of me.He once told me how awful he felt after he accidentally hurt Mia's (his girlfriend) dog. He shares almost everything with me. After all we're best friends! 

But this...this is different. I've seen his eyes water a few times but never full-on, body-shaking crying. 

I put my arm around his shoulder to comfort him. He doesn't say anything but continues crying. I stand between his legs and hug him tightly. His face in front of my stomach. He's holding me. I feel awful for him, seeing that he's in such a vulnerable state. 

He continues sobbing. He holds my waist and nuzzles farther into my belly. He pulls me closer and whimpers. 

"Mia and I have ended things with each other" he says into my stomach.

What?!  Why?? How??

I want to ask him so many questions but I choose to remain silent. I like comforting him this way. It feels good when someone needs you in their most vulnerable condition. It makes you feel wanted. And I like it. I want to be here for him.  

Okay... I know. I know I should be sorry for my best friend's break-up. But honestly, I'm kinda relieved. Long story short , I despised Mia. She's a nice woman of course but she has (well...had!) the heart of the man I loved. I never confessed that I loved him. I was afraid of rejection. I thought I wouldn't be able to handle losing him. I was too nervous. And by the time I gathered some courage to say it, Mia had already won his heart. 

I felt so envious. I wanted him to choose me over her. But that being said, I also wanted him to be happy, regardless of his happiness being in her arms. So I swallowed my feelings and crushed all the expectations. I wasn't  'in love'  with him. I loved him. Flawed and broken.

"We broke up." His voice cracks. His muffled cries against my stomach, break me. He's holding me close. This usually-strong man is falling apart in my arms and I'm trying so hard to hold him together.

"Shh... it's gonna be okay..." I gently run my fingers through his soft curls and massage his scalp.

I hate to see him this way. He seems lost. He seems so... defeated. I want to hug him tight for long enough to make his pain disappear. I want to kiss his tears away. But instead, I kiss the top of his head and run my hand along his spine.

I stay silent until his breathing is back to normal. His tear-soaked face is now dried.  He is still holding my waist . I can feel his hot breath in puffs against my thighs. 

I hold his face with both my hands and look straight into his eyes saying " I'm sorry for you honey." 

He looks into my eyes and leans into my palms. He wraps his arms around my waist again and pulls me closer.

Oh my... I can feel the heat in my cheeks. What is he doing? 

Wait... 

Does he love me too? Has he loved me all this time? Was I so much into envying his relationship with Mia that I didn't notice the way he looks into my eyes? 

No. 

This can't be true. 

No. 

After all this time?

No. 

He can't possibly be attracted to me. 

Has he always looked at me that way? 

He closes his eyes and relaxes into my arms. I hug him tightly and kiss his cheeks before sitting beside him on the couch. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask him.

"Yeah she broke up with me. She said she isn't into me anymore." His voice cracks again.

As much as I hate Mia for hurting him, I want to tell him that I love him. He is in so much pain right now. He chose to share his pain with me. Me. And I am here for him. I embraced him. Might he understand my love for him? 

Does he notice the way I caress his cheeks? The way I brush his fingers?  The way I held him tight? 

"I... God...I never thought she could feel any differently about me." He says, sniffling a tear.

"John..um.." I stutter.

He looks at me with his bright blue eyes. God...he looks so adorable! 

"I love you, John." I blurt.

"Oh Katie..." He says and cups my cheeks. He leans in towards me. He comes closer and closer. My lips part involuntarily. My heart is pounding inside my chest like a hailstorm on an iron roof. He leans farther into me and kisses my temple. 

"I love you too Kate. Everyone deserves a friend like you. " He says.

'Friend'... He said 'Friend'. 

John said that he loved me. But just as a friend. Nothing more than just a friend. 

His words cut straight through my heart. He has completely shattered my each and every fantasy. You broke my heart John. Without even knowing. 

I smile and stay silent. I'm afraid if I speak, I'd spill into a gazillion tear streams. And I don't want him to know that he just rejected me. I know if he found that out, he'll be humiliated. And he won't be able to live with that. He wouldn't bear hurting me. Because he loves me. Just not in a way I expected him to. 

His phone rings. 

"Oh that's for me. I have to get going." He says wiping his eyes and walks towards the door.

"Thank you so much Katie. I'll catch up with you later. Byee!" He says and pulls me in for a hug. I stay close to him with my hands beside me. I pull away quickly. 

I shut the door behind him and turn around. I stand there. Still. With my back pressed against the door. And I scream. Literally scream straight from my throat. I scream and scream until I'm short on my breath. This hurt me the way you puncture a lumber vertebra. It stings. It physically hurts. Lasts longer than a normal intravenous puncture. It numbs you. 

I slide down the door and sit on the floor with my head between my hands. I can't stop my tears. This is the day I've been dreading. This is the moment I've feared the most.

This hurt me more than a rejection. It is the pain when a person is blind towards your affection. This is the pain that might not fade away. Because by tomorrow, we will be back to normalcy and he will have no single idea about how he has turned my life upside down. I will have to force a smile everytime I face him. I will have to pretend that he is the same John for me; while in reality , he isn't. He won't ever be. 

How could he not see that I've loved him all this time?